Scene 1

(movie)

News Reporter:  Good evening Shushan, thousands of bystanders from around the globe have arrived at the palace gates tonight to witness the king’s great power and wealth, and of course his beautiful wife Vashti…

(play)

[Vashti snores away, while Bigtan and Teresh Bang on her door]

“Our queen, come quick-his highness has called for you! He has invited the whole kingdom to gaze at your dazzling beauty”

Vashti: The only beauty that I want to have anything to do with right now is my beauty sleep!

(movie)

Reporter:  As you can all see, the Queen Vashti doesn’t seem to want to come out! More on this story coming up…

…In other news today, HAHK- the Hebrew Academy of Hodu ad Kush has hired a fresh young principle to bring about a brand new reign of terror this coming Monday- Rabbi Persian.  The Rabbi and his family are due to arrive any minute now to the city; after having made the treacherous journey all the way from Ottawa…

What’s that?! Now hold on a moment folks- I’m receiving an update… WHAT!!!!???? HE DID WHAT?!!! [takes a breath to calm her self]

“I have just received word from our correspondent inside the palace that… The Queen has just been put to death!

Scene 2

[the scene opens up with the song “lonely” (the original) playing in the background]

[Achashverosh walks onto the stage lip singing to the song]

Achashverosh: Oh! What have I done?! I'm just so alone!!! What can I do?!

[tv show host walks onto the stage]

Makeup guy (Dudu):

Your highness, please don’t fret, for I’ll make sure that you will get-

such a beautiful wife- you’ll see;  even prettier than the ones on TV

Achashverosh: Who are you?
Dudu:

The name is Dudu; Dudu Mervis - professional super-model agent at your service;

I will make you content beyond your wildest dreams; gorgeous and submissive, that is the theme.

yaala banot- we have no time – we must look pretty, we must to shine. No, that skirt does not look fine! hallo, you- back in the line!…

[looks up to the sky and have screams have begs]:

 Do all of my sentences have to rhyme!!!???

[claps hands and some people enter holding signs and carrying a table]

[Music begins… The girls begin to enter one by one]

[as the king repeatedly shakes his head- ‘no’à

 Dudu: Next!!!

[as we cue the song ‘isn’t she lovely’ by stevie wonder, Achashverosh sees Esther and waves off all of the rest of the girls…]

Achashverosh: That’s it! She’s the one! I’ve decided…

[Cue the music for the Miss America pagent, people come on with a crown a sashay and flowers]

Achashverosh: (gets down on one knee and takes her hand and says in a soft voice) My name is Achashverosh, but my friends like to call me Chash V. What’s your name?

Esther: Who, me? Uuhyuuk! Esther, my name is Esther.

Achashverosh: What a beautiful name!  Can I call you Ice T. for short?

Scene 3

Teresh: You know Bigtan, I’ve had enough of this dirty work!  Every day Achashverosh thinks up some new tedious chore for us to do- "Teresh clean this, Teresh mop that, Teresh scrub the royal elephants’ tusks with a toothbrush!"  It’s just not right, I mean- we’re not even getting paid minimum wage!

Bigtan: Yeah… Minimum wage!

Teresh: So I've cooked up a plan…

Bigtan: Really? What is it?

[Teresh whispers into Bigtan's ear]

Bigtan: No! You think we should…  [Teresh clasps a hand over Bigtan's mouth, and places a finger to his own signaling for silence; then slowly removes his hand]

Bigtan [in a loud whisper]: You think we should kill the king?!

[Teresh nods his head]

Mordechai:  Oh no! They want to kill the king, I must do something!

[Mordechai approaches the palace gates, and attempts to pass the two guards at the door but to no avail]

Mordechai [desperately]:… But I must reach the king! King! King! They’re gonna try to kill you- I heard them planning it out! You gotta believe me! Bigtan and Teresh are trying to kill you!

[the guards throw him down the stairs, he gets off dusts himself off and walks away in a huff]

Achashverosh: Now that I think about it, I never liked those two anyway.  Always complaining and making faces- they did everything so slowly. With them, whenever I got my food- it was already cold… Very suspicious…

[darkness]

[someone comes onto the stage with a huge book and begins to write in it]:

Recorded voice in the background:

 Name: Mordechai;

Age: Unknown;

Charitable Act: Saving Chash V.’s tush;

Result: Bigtan and Teresh were put to death;

Reward: yet to be decided.

Scene 4

[Haman is walking along muttering to himself]: ...why can't the Jews be more like everyone else? They have their own rules, they wear their own clothes- heck, they won't even eat pig!  Now, what self-respecting nation won't eat pig?! It's just not right...  And what's up with those Habs anyways?! Such a god-awful team I have never seen- and yet everyone seems to still love them.  I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

[Mordechai enters ]

Haman: ah, here comes one of those jews now and what luck!- not only a jew but a Hab too! ... let's have a little fun...

Hey you there! Jew! Come over here and bow down to me...NOW!

[Mordechai, gives him the wall and continues walking]

Haman: WHAT!?!?  I cannot believe he just did that!  That Heb-Hab has no idea who he is messing with...

[Darkness]

[Achashverosh is sitting, mesmerized, in front of the tv-  watching the habs game and eating from a huge bucket of popcorn...]

Haman [to himself]: Surprise, surprise- our idiot king is watching those loser Canadiens again.  [while waving a hand in front of the king's face:] Glued to the tube. This is going to be like stealing candy from a baby- watch this...

Oh my kiiiing- beautiful day today, eh?

Achashverosh: urrang???

Haman: You know, the big baboon, by the light of the moon was combing his auburn hair...

Achashverosh: yes Haman , I see your point...

Haman: Well, you know, as I always say, “how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

Achashverosh: Hmmmm, yes, yes.. uh very important... AW NOOO! How could he have missed that shot! He was all alone with an open net! C'MON!

Haman: you know Your Highness, I got to thinking...

Acheshverosh: You best be careful there Haman- we wouldn't want you to hurt yourself...

Haman: Oh, Haha- very witty oh Great One, you got me there!

[Achashverosh taps his brain with a finger- gives a knowing look out of the side of his eye]

Haman: anyway, as I was saying- by tripling the country's GDP we can easily lower the inflation rate by twofold, thus in conclusion; lets kill all of the Jews!

Achashverosh [flies out of his seat]: What a SHOT!!!

Haman: so you'll do it?

Achashverosh: YESSS! YES,YES, YES!!!!!

Haman: well, I need you to sign here, and here and here...

Achashverosh: Here, just take my ring- take all of them! Hallelujah!

[Achashverosh grabs Haman by the shoulders hugs him and then proceeds to shake him while jumping up and down himself with his back to the audience]

[Haman looks over the king's shoulder out to the crowd smiles and gives a big thumbs up]

Narrrator: [quote from megillah about sending out letters to the whole kingdom]

[esther's servants discussing amongst themselves]

Servant 1: I really don't understand what happened…I'm curious what Mordechai will say…

Servant 2: Yes, the queen is really worried about him- she wants a fully detailed report of why he is sitting out there, and dressed like that!

Servant 1: Shh shh sh! Here he comes now… he really does look awful…

Mordechai [speaking to the crowd]:  A terrible tragedy has befallen us! Haman wants to kill all of the Jews.  What are we to do in such a grave situation? Let us turn our eyes to the heavens…

Servant 2: OMG! We must alert Esther, A-S-A-P!

[Esther and Mordechai meet- shadows…]

Esther: Mordechai, my dear uncle, what has happened to you? Why didn't you take the clothes I sent you?

Mordechai: Who can think of food and clothing at a time like this?!  Esther, you must help us!

Esther: Me?! How can I help you?

Mordechai: You must go and speak with the king… You are our only hope…

Esther: But Mordechai, I haven't been summoned to the king for 30 days now- he's gonna kill me!

Mordechai: Esther- we have no choice! The fate of the entire Jewish nation is resting on your shoulders!

Esther: Fine, Mordechai- I'll do it, but only under one condition: I would ask of you and the entire nation to pray and fast for me.  My maidservants and I will do the same… Hashem imachem…

Mordechai: Yivarechacha Hashem

[darkness]

Scene 7

Cue "always look on the bright side of life…"

[Haman is strolling along, when a messenger approaches him with a letter]

Haman: Thanks man.  Hey, nice jacket…

Haman [reads from letter]: Dear Sir, you are cordially invited… blah blah blah… party in your honor… blah, blah blah… with the King and Queen… party in my honor…PARTY IN MY HONOR???!!! Whoa, I have to go get ready!

[Haman walks off stage]

Cue "always look on the bright side of life…"

[Haman is strolling along, when a messenger approaches him with a letter]

Haman: Thanks man. Hey, nice jacket…

Whoa! [spins head woozily] Déjà vu!

Haman [reads from letter]: Dear Sir, you are cordially invited… blah blah blah… party in your honor… Again!? This can only be a good thing. I really must wear something special this time. Something flashy! [looks down at his clothing, and falls to his knees]: Oh dear g-d-… I have nothing to wear!!!

 [Zeresh enters with lots of clothing and a standup closet, pushes Haman into the wardrobe and throws tons of clothes over the wall.  Haman comes out three times , each time with different attire.  Each time the audience reacts with a loud NOOOO!]

[Finally, as a last resort, Zeresh offers him a hockey uniform]

Haman: What is this!!!!!?????

[the music stops]

Haman: You always have to remind me of him, don't you? That cheeky monkey still won't bow to me!

Zeresh: I don’t see what the big problem is? Why don’t you just pick a tree, and hang him on it?

[Zeresh takes a pen and paper and draws out a diagram]

Zeresh: You see- like this… 50 feet high and you're on your way…

[Haman nods his head in agreement]

[Zeresh hands him a black suit]

Scene 8

Narrator: That night the king was restless and couldn't sleep…

[Chash V. is jumping up and down on his bed; his hands and face are covered in chocolate and he's chewing 9 pieces of bubble gum]

Achashverosh: I can't [pause] seem [pause] to sleep tonight [breathes loudly, clearly out of breath].  I wonder why that is…

Servant: Sire, sire [in calming voice]- maybe if I read you a story it will help you fall asleep, [and then under his breath he mutters] and if that doesn't work I'll get the tranquilizer gun…

Achashverosh: What was that?

Servant: [moment of silence] I said, [pause] um I think I know of just the one! [lets out a whoosh of air and wipes his forehead]

[Servant leaves and returns with a huge book]

[servant begins- play recording…]

Name: Mordechai;

Age: Unknown;

Charitable Act: Saving Chash V.’s tush;

Result: Bigtan and Teresh were put to death;

Reward: yet to be decided.

Achashverosh: Yet to be decided!?  [Chokes on gum, coughs twice and the gum comes flying out] You mean we never paid the guy!?

Servant: I guess not…

[Suddenly banging noises and then a chainsaw are heard in the background]

Achashverosh: What is that? Somebody building something? At this hour of the night?! Who's there?!

[Haman enters]

Haman: Ah, your higness- such a lovely night, isn't it? I had a…

Achashverosh: Haman, I must ask you a question. Wait, were you going to say something?

Haman: Never mind, please proceed, I insist…

Achashverosh: No, I insist- please begin…

Haman: Nonsense, your majesty…

Achashverosh: C'mon Haman, what is it?

Haman: Why don't you go first?

Achashverosh: No, you…

Haman: No, you…

Achashverosh: Seriously, you…

Haman: You…

Achashverosh: Fine, fine- I shall speak; after all- I am the king! Ha, ha. Sighs.  I need some advice.  There is someone very important, someone who I owe BIGTIME.

[Haman looks out to the crown and points to the crowd as if to say, "me"]

Haman: Yes your majesty, go on.

Achashverosh: Well I'm trying to think of a way to show gratitude, to reward him.

Haman [eyes light up. start music "some of my favorite things"]: hmmm, that's a tough one… I know! Get him a limo, no no, even better- a Rolls Royce; dress him in Gucci and take him for ride on the town.

Achashverosh: I like it! Now go, make the proper arrangements- tomorrow morning you will collect Mordechai from his home and then you'll proceed to do just that.  And after the royal tour of the city, take him to the habs game.

Haman: H-habs?

Achashverosh: Yup. And then to end a perfect day, take him out to TCBY for a double chocolate parfe', with those little pieces of toffee.

Haman: Can't I just send somebody else to do it?

Achashverosh: NOOOOOO! I want you to do it, and that's final!

[Haman, begins to walk away growling under his breath]

Achashverosh: Oh, Haman, wasn't there something you wanted to ask?

[Haman gives Achashverosh a dirty look and storms out of the room]

Achashverosh: What's up his… nose!?

[music]

Scene 9

The Party at Esther's Place

Achashverosh: Esther my love, why do you seem so sad? Oh man, you gotta try this- this is out of this world- this'll raise anyone's spirits [exclaims with mouth full]!

Esther [bursts out crying]: Someone wants to kill the natio- my people!

Achashverosh: What?! Who! Why? When? [munch munch munch]

Esther: A terrible and wicked man [esther points in Haman's direction, but both Haman and Achashverosh turn around to see who she is pointing to]

Esther [rolls her eyes]: A terrible and wicked man- [in an annoyed voice]: Haman!

Achashverosh [in anger]: HAMAN??!!!. [at this point achashverosh has risen, he pulls out a grager and begin to twirl it]

Haman: Haman?!

Achashverosh [points and says matter-of-factly]: Hang him.

[music]